She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
this will be a night to untag.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
