You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
