1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
