I hate all girls vehemently.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
