The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
