Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
