if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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