Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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