Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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