My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize