were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
