Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
