my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
