I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
