I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
