I hate your face
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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