if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
