i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
