I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
