im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
