The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
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Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
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You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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