I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
