Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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