I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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