It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
