A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
