Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
