I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
