No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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