I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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