my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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