I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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