Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
