you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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