My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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