I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
