doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
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In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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