They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
