JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
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And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
sarcasm needs its own font
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
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It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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