my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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