If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm both gender and math confused
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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