My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
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Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.