I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
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my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
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he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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