just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
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Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
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MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol