My sheets look like a crime scene.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?