we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.