I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
