I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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