Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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