just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...