I like my sex mixed with concussions.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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