that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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