Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
