I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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