Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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