I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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