i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
