dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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